Letter to My Birthday Baby Girl: 1 Year Old

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Darling Liv,

The moment I knew I was pregnant with you, I fell to my knees in the hallway outside of my bedroom and praised Jesus. I had been praying fervently for you, and those two pink lines meant that God was saying, "yes." The year before had been a tough one...a year of waiting, and praying, and wondering, after a traumatic miscarriage that shook me to my core. My mind told me that one more was too many and that I could't go through it again if I were to lose another baby, but my heart was telling me that God had other plans...you...our rainbow baby...God's promise fulfilled...the cherry on top...new life in our family...our Liv. 

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Livi Mae McKenzie, you are the best communicator. I've known from the moment you were placed in my arms what you wanted and didn't want. You are a mama's girl through and through, and are attached to me at the hip. You love to nurse, you love to spend time with me, and you sleep on my chest or across my neck like a scarf...and I've loved every minute! I tell people that God made you extra clingy and not a good sleeper, so I would know that you for sure were the last one! You are high maintenance and a spit fire, and daddy says you're going to be just like your mama...a girl who knows what she wants and gets it! You are super social and love being around people. You wave and blow kisses to everyone in the grocery store, and you melt hearts with those baby blues and that blonde hair. Everyone says you need to be a model because you are such a beautiful baby!

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I've enjoyed every single moment of your first year. I can hardly write this without crying because I don't want you to grow up. You are my last baby, and I wish I could keep you a baby forever. As the saying goes, it truly goes go by so fast. You love your brothers and sister so much, and we've all enjoyed watching your milestones and seeing you grow! 

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My verse for you for your first year of life is your life verse: 

But I am like a green olive tree in the house of God. I trust in the steadfast love of God forever and ever.

Psalm 52:8 

My biggest prayer is that you love Jesus with all of your heart, soul, and mind, and that he will be your Lord and Savior. 

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Livi loves:

-Russell (our white lab)

-mam's milk

-baths

-tomatoes

-being outside

-swinging

-singing and dancing, especially singing "Happy Birthday" and "Puppy Dog Pals"

-climbing or being on top of the counter or kitchen island

-reading books, especially the musical Christmas book "Up on the Housetop"

-scribbling on paper

-playing with mommy's boobies, lol!

-playing in LaLa's room

-going to dance class

-riding the golf cart

-opening and closing doors

-watching Barney

-farm animals, really any animal! 

-jumping on the trampoline

-Dr. Pepper

-brushing her teeth

-riding in her stroller for walks

-birds

-night time snacking with mommy

-Bibs pacifiers

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Somewhere over the rainbow, 
skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream 
Really do come true. 

The last night you were in the NICU, I got to spend the night with you and it was just the two of us. I held you all night and sang "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" to you, and cried as I prayed and thanked Jesus for your precious life.

Happy 1st Birthday, Livi Mae!

Always and forever my baby and my dream come true...I love you.

Mama

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Liv's birth story.

Nothing about that day went as planned, but God continues to teach my type A personality the lesson that He is in control. I went into labor early and on my own with all four of my kids, however, they scheduled my c-section with Liv two weeks early because of my history and the risks associated with a 4th c-section. Jeb was excited that for the first time he may get to wake up, drink his coffee, take a shower, and drive to the hospital going the speed limit...but in true Ruckus fashion, that didn’t happen.

I took Rush to a birthday party that afternoon, and when I realized I was zoning out and could no longer focus on the conversation with the other moms because of my pain, I knew that the baby would be here soon. I left Rush at the party to go lay down at my mom’s, but as soon as I walked across the parking lot to my car, I knew I was in labor. Neither Jeb nor my mom would answer their phones, and by the time I passed OBU I thought I was going to faint and wreck my car! I drove straight to the hospital in Shawnee, parked in the middle of the road, walked up to the ER desk and said, “I’m supposed to deliver at Mercy, but I’m 37 weeks pregnant with my 4th and I think she’s falling out of me right now.”


I have never seen nurses scurry around that fast, and immediately a young tech was wheeling me upstairs to OB. She asked if I felt the urge to push, and when I said, “Yes! But I don’t want to VBAC on a 4th after 3 c-sections!” She started cussing and praying at the same time.

I asked who was the doctor on call and she told me Dr. Brunnabend was the OB filling in that weekend. I was so confused and said, “My OB is Dr. Brunnabend, but she’s at Mercy.” The nurse said that this was her husband and that he was an OB-GYN as well, and happened to be filling in at Shawnee that weekend! I told the nurse, a veteran OB nurse, that I was so scared and asked, "What if her head is coming out?!" She responded calmly with, "If it is, then congratulations. The hard part is over. I'll catch her, and you successfully did a VBAC after three c-sections." She then checked me, and although my contractions were hard, fast, and a minute apart, (and I felt like she was literally falling out of me) I was only dilated to a two. I felt so stupid for thinking she was falling out.

Dr. Brunnabend was ten minutes away, but he called his wife (my OB) and she told him to send me on up to Mercy and she would deliver me. In the meantime, Jeb arrived to get me back in the car, and we raced up to north OKC with my dad and Reid following close behind! My dad didn’t want me to risk the drive to OKC since my contractions were coming so fast and it was my fourth, but both doctors were confident I would make it in time. I was really, really scared to labor this time after three c-sections, and I was so relieved when I arrived at Mercy OB without having the baby in the car or a ruptured uterus! And I’m so thankful that I went on up there since Liv had to be taken from the OR to the NICU.

I hate elevators, but had never been so relieved to be going on that elevator at Mercy. They were already expecting me at OB triage, and they got me all prepped for surgery. My friend Julie Busler came immediately and started taking pictures until they wheeled me back to the OR. I was very nervous, but as the anesthesiologist was putting in my spinal, the song "Memories" by Maroon 5 came on and I listened to the lyrics saying, "and my heart feels like December when somebody says your name," and I thought about my sweet December baby and got excited to tell her her name. Then Lizzo, "Good as Hell," started playing next and I knew it was going to be a fun delivery! Ha! 

I was so happy that I got to have a clear drape during the c-section, and as soon as she was delivered I got to her your face. Dr. Brunnabend made a comment about her chubby cheeks and then laid her on my chest and delayed cord clamping. I had never gotten to do skin to skin in the OR and was so excited to do this with my last baby, but she wasn't breathing well and had to go immediately over to the nurses for some respiratory support. Liv had transient tachypnea of the newborn and was breathing way too fast, and had to be taken to the NICU. Her blood sugar was a little low, and I chose for them to give donor breast milk instead of formula to get her blood sugar stabilized. They wheeled me to my room and Jeb looked at me and said, "Are you ok? I need to stay with her." I remember feeling so alone being wheeled down that hallway out of the OR with no baby in my arms. I immediately said, "I need my mom," and as soon as I got to the room Nana Karen was by my side. I remember saying to her, "It's bad, mom," as tears rolled down my face. I had not idea how she was and when, or if, I would get to see her. After they got her stabilized and placed oxygen and a NG tube, they brought her to my room for me to hold her for a bit before going down to the NICU. I put her sweet little face next to mine and just talked to her. I wanted her to hear my voice and know I was there. Her daddy went down to the NICU with her and never left her side. He called me and said, "They're asking if I want to do skin to skin, what should I say?" I said, "Yes!!" And he held her and talked to her as long as they would let him.

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She pulled out her NG tube in the NICU and never cried when they would start her IVs, and I knew she had a personality like her mama, and was a fighter. As soon as they started letting her have her mama's milk, everything began to stabilize. Every time I would do skin to skin and they would place her on my chest, her respirations would decrease and her numbers would be exactly where they are supposed to be. This girl just needed her mama. After almost a week in the NICU, we got to bring our precious, healthy, baby girl home to meet her siblings. And it was one of the greatest days of my life. 

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Life has been as crazy, chaotic, and unplanned as the day she was born, but it’s the hard parts of life that make the good days that much sweeter. Liv is a Nordic female name meaning “shelter" or "protection". In modern Norwegian, Swedish, and Danish it is also homophonous with the word "liv" meaning "life". The Lord has protected our sweet Liv, our rainbow baby, from the very beginning and we are so, so grateful for her precious LIFE! 

“He will cover you with his feathers. He will SHELTER you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and PROTECTION.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭91:4‬