look.

This is going to be long, but I wanted to write it out to think over it and I thought this would be a good place. 

I feel like my spiritual life has really grown to a whole new level over the past year. I have been in the Word more than I ever have in my life, and I am seeing the fruits of the spirit in my marriage, my family, and myself. But this week was really tough for me...really for no particular reason. I didn't go through anything traumatic or awful, but I have just been in one of those, you know, yucky, "down in the dumps" moods we all get in. I'm doing an in-depth study of Isaiah right now, and being the type-A perfectionist person that I am, I am diligent about my bible study homework and being in the scripture daily. This week, however, I felt like it has been difficult to focus...and when I do start concentrating, I feel challenged, frustrated, convicted, and confused by a lot of the verses. 

All of this sort of came to a head after the sermon on Sunday morning. I got that sick feeling in my stomach and felt uneasy with God. I knew deep down I was really frustrated with myself, but somehow managed to talk myself into the idea that I was annoyed with God, the preacher, and all "church people."

Now... let me step back a little bit (well, actually a lot!) to a story about when I was a teenager. I was saved and baptized at the age of 8, and have been in church and Sunday school my entire life. Sometime in my early high school days, I was told by my youth pastor that my faith wasn't "good enough yet" to go to Super Summer (a Christian camp at OBU for teens). And that was it. I shut down. I no longer wanted to be a part of the youth group. I didn't feel wanted or like I belonged. And quite frankly I felt like I wasn't "good enough" for God. I assumed that it was because I wasn't at every single youth activity, or because I didn't go to the church super bowl parties, or because (even though I was a Christian) I couldn't quote memorized scripture like the other girls on Wednesday nights. So I was done. I believed in Jesus and loved the Lord with my whole heart, but I put up a wall so he wouldn't get too close. I didn't want to know more about the God I thought I wasn't good enough for. I semi-rebelled (nothing too serious), but found my security in a "popular and athletic" boyfriend who was terrible to me, and then buried myself in making good grades, becoming Valedictorian and Senior class president, and coordinating perfect school events to prove to myself that I was "good enough."

God was calling me back at times during college, and when I became married and started having children, there was a yearning deep inside my soul that ached to know the depths of the love of my Creator and my Savior. Over the past several years, I've worked really hard to become that "church girl" that I felt like I never could be. I thought that would make me fit in. Since I was on fire for Jesus, I thought getting plugged in and learning as much about Jesus as I could was the right path to walk in to get "straight A's" on my report card from God. 

This Sunday, I came home from church and cried. I finally realized that I was going about it all the wrong way. Now, I was trying to prove that I was "good enough" by being a star bible study student, a church girl, and letting people know how much I loved Jesus. I was convicted, mad, hurt, frustrated, and disappointed. I wasn't good enough back then, and now I'm trying to be "too good." I cried out, "Why, God? I'm trying to walk the right path and it's leading me away from you. How could I be this confused when I'm trying SO hard?" 

I didn't want to finish my Bible study homework for the week, I wanted to just take a break from God. But you know what? When you want to take a break from God is when you need Him most. I decided to take a step back...to be a Mary instead of a Martha...and just sit at the feet of Jesus and breathe. I got out my notes from my Redeemed study and I prayed to remember my identity in Christ.

•I am loved.

•I belong.

•I am rescued.

•I am unique. 

•I have a purpose.

•I am precious. 

•I am forgiven. 

I wrote a small instagram post about this yesterday, and today...while reading Isaiah 45:22...He broke me. 

I put off finishing my last day of homework all day long. The spirit was encouraging me all day and I kept ignoring and making excuses. At midnight I opened my Bible to the last few verses in Isaiah 45 and I sobbed...and shed tears on the pages of my Bible. 

In my instagram post YESTERDAY, my last sentence read, "When I get discouraged and feel like I'm never going to find where I fit in (or with who), I •FOCUS• my eyes on Jesus and remember who I am in Christ."

My last few verses of my homework TONIGHT were this:

"•LOOK• (turn) to me and be saved, all the ends of the earth! For I am God, and there is no other."

Isaiah 45:22

That's the simplicity of salvation. That is our focus. That is our hope. And we only need to do one easy thing...something that anyone can do. LOOK. 👀 

The weak can look, the poor can look, even a child can look. And if we just look, we have a PROMISE to be saved. 

It doesn't say we have to see. Sometimes we're in the dark and we can't see Jesus clearly. But if we just look, we will be rescued. He promises. 

"It (looking) is the simplest, basic thing any person can do, yet the most difficult to do in daily living." (Redpath) 

As I sat in awe, wonder, and relief at how God winked at me and carried me through this pouting, pity party, and frustration I was feeling this week, I looked up some commentary from Blue Letter Bible and pondered over the lesson God was teaching me this week. 

"We must look to God, and never to ourselves or to anything else of man. You must look off from all this to the throne and there, in your heart, see the risen, reigning Lord Jesus Christ." (Redpath)

And the last part of the verse tells us why we must look to Him...because he is GOD and there is none other. The church is not God. Fellow Christians are not God. Things of this world are not God. Idols are not God. We look to Him and Him alone. Yes, we can use these people and things to grow us, encourage us, strengthen us, and support us, but we must ALWAYS keep our focus on HIM. 

You know...I will never be good enough. EVER. But praise Jesus, I don't have to be. You know why? Because HE is!!!

You can be Mary. You can sit and REST at the feet of Jesus. Quit working so hard. Quit trying to prove yourself. As Jamy said last week, "You may feel like you're undone, but he will NOT leave you undone." 

"We might be willing to do a hundred things to earn our salvation, but God commands us to only trust in Him - to look to Him!" (BLB)

If you are tired, confused, broken, hurt, stressed, overwhelmed...look. Close your eyes and look. Open your Bible and look. Get on your knees and look. Call out to Him. 

Trust Him this week. And shift your gaze to the most beautiful thing you will ever see. Just look. 

three.

A few weeks after Jeb and I were married, I asked him how many kids he wanted to have. He responded with, "How many do you want to have?" So on the count of three we decided to both say how many we wanted. At the same exact time, on the count of three, we looked at each other, smiled, and said, "Three." I remember the exact spot on I-40 when that number, that dream, came out of our mouths. Ten years later, I am filled with awe and overwhelming thankfulness at how God turned that one word, our dream, into this. 

They are all of my heart. 💙❤️💙

 

"mom-in" ain't easy.

I've laughed, cried, laughed, and cried again today.

LilliAnn has "whatever-itis" (this is what she has diagnosed herself with) and has to have a foot massage EVERY night before bed...Reid "can't breathe very well" and doesn't think he's going to be ok MULTIPLE times a day even though we've investigated every possible cause, and Rush SCREAMS at the top of his lungs if someone sings along to one of "his songs" in the car or if his yogurt isn't opened just right. This year has been my toughest year of mothering yet...

"Mom-in" is hard.

Trying to become a mom is sometimes hard, the birthing story you go through to be a mom is hard, the adoption process to become a mom is hard, mothering dogs is hard, not having biological children, but taking care of children because they were always meant to be yours is hard, mothering your grandchildren is hard, mothering on your own is hard, becoming a mom to an angel is hard, mothering when you're working full-time is hard, mothering when you're home all day is hard, mothering when you're sick is hard, and mothering when you're healthy is still really hard..."mom-in" isn't easy. I haven't experienced all of these, but I do know that all of them are hard.

But you know what? It's worth it...so worth it. Being a mom is worth every tear, every heartache, every accidental cuss word, every eye roll, every sigh, every scream, every headache, and every bit of chaos. Because no matter how you mom, "mom-in" is beautiful.

Happy Mother's Day to every kind of mama out there...current mamas, future mamas, grandmamas, dog mamas, and crazy mamas! Press on, you wonderful women. Finish the race and teach those littles (and bigs) about God's amazing grace.

"I consider my life worth nothing to me; my only aim is to finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the good news of God’s grace."

Acts 20:24

daughter of the King.

I'm a little emotional tonight, and tears roll down my cheeks as I think about how undeserving I am of this precious soul. As I stare at this picture, a familiar quote comes to my mind. I see a little girl who needs me to fill up her self-esteem bucket so high that the world will never be able to poke enough holes in it to drain it dry. I see a little girl who needs a mama who prays…a mama who prays fervently for the Lord to guide her words and her way as she raises a daughter of the King.

She's so different than me…which is the most wonderful thing and the most frustrating thing, all at the same time. A lot of the times I feel like I'm not saying the right things to her, or that I'm too quick to criticize. Being a mom is tough. And when life gets busy, you go to bed sometimes wondering if you held them enough, laughed with them enough, played with them enough, or prayed with them enough. And sometimes you're just so tired that you don't even think at all. But in the end, as long you're covering them in prayers and leading them towards the light of Jesus…I think the rest will just work itself out.

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breast babies. {five years}

Today marks five years of my life that I have breastfed...FIVE years! My body/ovaries have been in a "pseudo-menopausal" state for five out of the past 7 1/2 years...no wonder I'm crazy! 

Nursing my three babies has been one of my very favorite things about motherhood, and because I'm passionate about it, I wanted to reflect back on my breastfeeding journey. 

Although it is extremely natural at this point and I can literally nurse my toddler anywhere without being noticed, it wasn't always so easy. I remember crying after Reid was born because he had trouble latching and wouldn't stay awake to eat. No one showed me different nursing holds, tips for effective latch, or warned me that I would get super hot and severely claustrophobic while attempting to breastfeed for the first few weeks. Just because I was a nurse practitioner didn't mean that I knew how to feed my 4 week early newborn! Thankfully a good friend clipped a fan to my hospital bed, adjusted my pillows, and patiently talked me through those first few frustrating feedings. Breastfeeding for the first two weeks took teamwork. Jeb would wake up with me for every single feeding. He would rub Reid's little head and feet to keep him awake, and was my number one supporter. I had my mind made up that I would be successful at breastfeeding from the moment I found out I was pregnant, and I was not giving up! My mom even drove around the parking lot of the OU College of Nursing so I could come out ever hour and nurse Reid while finishing up NP school! 

With LilliAnn, my milk didn't come in for five days. I remember Jeb saying, "let's just give her some formula." I refused, assuring him that she was getting what she needed and that my body knew what to do....that as long as I was putting the baby to my breast, eventually I would make the perfect food for my baby girl. And oh how she loved mommy's milk! She nursed all night long and never slept through the night until after I weaned her! One time, hormonal and exhausted to the point that my bones hurt, I called my mom in the middle of the night and told her that now I knew why Britney Spears shaved her head. lol! 

And pumping...I've pumped a LOT! One time pumping enough for the days I worked at the clinic, as well as enough for a seven day vacation...even setting my alarm to wake up ever two hours so that I would have a freezer full of milk to last while we were gone. I've pumped in airports, bathrooms, hotel rooms...while driving, while cooking, and even in the back of a jeep on the back side of Cozumel! 

It was really hard work, but my children never had a drop of formula! 

Before I had babies, no one told me that breastfeeding would be difficult. No one told me that if I pumped too much in the beginning, I would get super engorged and the baby would have trouble latching. No one told me that my shirt would have two wet spots during the most embarrassing time possible...or that initially it would hurt so bad when the baby latched on that I would scream bloody murder...or that the letdowns would ache more than any cramps I've ever had. No one told me how disappointed I would get when I only pumped half an ounce, or how frustrated I would be when I spilled a bottle of breast milk.

But...no one also told me how much I would bond with my newborn as we were skin to skin, or how tears would roll down my face the first time they stopped nursing to look up at me and smile with that adorable milk grin. And no one told me how amazing my body is...how my breast milk would change in response to my baby's needs right at that moment. No one told me just how close and connected I would feel to my child as I nursed him to sleep every night...or the pride I would feel with each pound they gained. And no one told me that breastfeeding would change my life...that it would be one of my greatest accomplishments.

New moms or moms-to-be, I'm not telling you it's going to be easy. I'm telling you that it's going to be worth it. But whether you nurse for a day or a year, know that you're a rockstar mom either way! ❤️

#sorryforthelongstatus #goalmet

so much love.

Holding my sweet baby Rush and thinking about just how much I love being a mommy to my three little angels. As a child, I never played much with baby dolls, and I wasn't that little girl that was the "mothering" type...I always knew I wanted children but never expected to to feel like this about being a mom...like it's what I was put on this earth to do.  

I'm overwhelmed by emotions just watching them sleep. I feel so underserving of such amazing little blessings, yet so thankful that God chose me to be their mother. 

After the big kids fell asleep tonight, Rush and I played and laughed and cuddled...he gave me more kisses than I could count and he held me face and said, "luv lou." Tears rolled down my face because sometimes I love them so much it hurts.

The saying is oh so true. You never understand how much your mother loves you until you become a mother yourself. 

police lives matter.

I was the wife of a police officer for almost three years. The first year he worked "midnights" and I don't think I slept that entire year. I remember curling up in bed with our new baby, our first baby, and praying that the hours would pass by quickly and that he would make it home safe. I would call him all hours of the night to check on him, and sometimes I would wake up in a cold sweat and have to dial his number. I would say to him, "be safe," and "you better come home to us," and even "DO NOT forget to put your bullet proof vest on. I don't care if it's hot and uncomfortable. You have a wife and a baby, and we need you!"
I remember times would he would come home from his shift and not want to talk. He saw things that people shouldn't have to see. Every once and a while he would tell me bits and pieces of heartbreaking stories about children or situations that he handled. I knew he was only telling me the easy parts and that there were deeper, more painful layers to the stories. Sometimes he would go straight to sleep after work and seem "down" for days. He'd tell me not to go to certain places or certain parts of town because of things he knew, but didn't have the heart to tell me about.
He was a great officer. And he loved it. He loved the excitement. He loved the camaraderie. But most of all, he loved helping people. I really found this out when I did my first ride-along. He would pull up on an altercation, and by the time Jeb left, everyone would be laughing and telling jokes with each other. He would arrest people and by the time he got them to jail, they would be calling him their friend. He has a way with people and making them happy. I've never met anyone who didn't like Jeb.
I know that some people abuse their authority, and I know that there are "bad apples," but most police officers are good people who are doing their best to help others. They react according to protocol and their training in last-minute, life-threatening, high-adrenaline situations. They try to use their best judgment, and they try to keep others as safe as possible AND make it home to their families. And it's not an easy job.
I thank Jesus for Jeb's time as an officer. It made him a better father and a better man. Support law enforcement…because police lives matter. ‪#‎lawenforcementappreciationday‬

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mom life.

Went grocery shopping with two wild kiddos and a baby who has a summer cold and is fussy (not my best decision)...had to open a pacifier off the shelf while shopping (don't worry, I paid for it)...three people asked if I needed help while shopping, two said I had my hands full, and one man helped adjust my baby wearing device (what a sweet man)...loaded it all up in the pouring rain (there was so much it took up my entire back and the front seat)...got the hungry kids in the house and eating while I made 12 trips (yes, 12) to my car to unload. Finally everything's put up and organized and I'm diffusing Peace & Calming. Who knew grocery shopping could be so exhausting?! #momofthree #wouldnttradeitforanything #thesearethedays#momlife #wesurvived

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It's...three. That will throw you over the edge into "just let it go" world. The inside of my car is dirtier than it's ever been, I'm behind on laundry (and blogging), I struggle to get everyone fed, my mind is completely off balance (not good for a libra), and I'm eating everything in sight due to stress and no schedule. But.......seriously y'all, Rush is a GEM!

busyness.

Isn't it amazing how God gives us exactly what we need when we are seeking Him? 
I've had a really long, chaotic, and exhausting day. I got in the bath to relax and have my quiet time, and decided to read today's devotion from Jesus Calling. All day I have been struggling with "busyness," and this evening Jeb and I were debating about our schedule, routine, etc. How awesome is it that as soon as I got home and focused on The Lord, THIS is the passage He provided for me?!
I know that the more time I spend with Him, the more "in place" everything else will become.
The most peaceful, joyful, truly happy moment of my day today was at Vacation Bible School. I sat in the back and watched Reid stand on stage and worship our mighty Savior, and then sang "Forever Reign" to Rushton.
Thank you Jesus, for adjusting my focus. 

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cherish the "little joys."

Today was hard. Honestly, I haven't had days yet where I just thought, "wow, this mom thing is really really tough." But today, being a mom was hard. Maybe it's because I'm sick...maybe it's because we were super busy...or maybe it's because I'm completely and utterly exhausted...between a rough c-section, birthdays, weddings, baby showers, Easter, Mother's Day, t-ball, dance, art, and gymnastics, I'm more than worn out. 

But in the midst of all of the chaos...in the middle of a day where nothing has gone right...God gives us special moments. I had a friend in high school who called them "little joys." Like when you look in your rear view mirror to see your daughter dramatically singing Frozen songs with hand motions and all...or when you're nursing your baby and he looks at you with the biggest milk grin and coos at you...or when your oldest grabs your hand and says, "I really love you, mama." 

Childhood is fleeting, but when you notice a "little joy", even on the craziest of days, time seems to stand still. Soak it up. Notice every detail. Because those are the things we remember. They are imprinted in our hearts and will live with us forever...so when your daughter is getting married, you still have that memory of her singing princess songs at the top of her lungs. You'll even remember the way her curls hang in her face. Or when your son goes off to college, you can still feel him grabbing your hand and saying I love you as a toothless 6 year-old little boy. 

They grow up fast. And no mom can keep her babies little any longer than the next mom. So learn focus on those "little joys"...even during the times when life gets crazy, busy, hectic, and disorganized. Those moments are blessings. They fill our hearts with happiness and remind us of our greater purpose. 

It's comforting to a mama, especially on hard days, to go sleep at night and know that there was at least one special moment that you savored and will remember. Because little ones grow up, but "little joys" last a lifetime. 

#thankyouJesusformybabies

In case you didn't know...

1. I don't like salad (or most green vegetables). Terrible, I know.

2. I vacuum my house almost every day, and straighten my couch cushions every time I walk by.

3. One of my favorite things is eating Popsicles in a hot bath.

4. I wouldn't spend the night with anyone until I was well into my teenage years. 

5. I made straight A's all through nursing and nurse practitioner school.

6. I always dreamed of having two boys and one girl. When I would play the game Life as a child, I would always put two blue pegs and one pink peg in the back of my car for my children.

7. I had a lemon addiction in college. I would slice 3-4 lemons a night, salt them, and eat them while studying and watching Dawson's Creek DVDs. 

7. Jeb asked me to be his girlfriend (for the second time...the first time was in 7th grade) while slow dancing at our junior prom. We've been together ever since. 

8. I can't stand broken crayons, Bengay (or any cooling/menthol gel), or a dirty refrigerator.

9. I pee my pants when someone tickles me or tries to hold me down. 

10. I hate elevators and will not ride in one alone. 

11. As a child, I had a pet raccoon named Hakuna Matata.

12. Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, and I love having the peace in my heart that I am loved unconditionally, forgiven, and will have a home in heaven one day. I wish I could be more like my brother and have the gift of easily sharing the Gospel. I pray daily to be bolder in my faith. 

enough.

I've known Jesus as long as I can remember. I was raised in a Christian home by Christian parents....my dad was a Deacon, both of my parents were Sunday school teachers, and my mom was even interim youth director one summer. I was a counselor's kid at youth Falls Creek every summer, and some of my most vivid childhood memories include learning to sing the books of the bible in an upstairs Sunday school room at FBC Wewoka and dipping strawberry cookies in red Kool-Aid at Vacation Bible School. We were always at the church, and most of our social life revolved around church friends or church functions. I can't count how many youth gatherings or Sunday school parties I attended. I was always in the Christmas play, and I spent Wednesday nights learning "The B-I-B-L-E" and "I'm in the Lord's Army" in children's choir. Important figures from my childhood that I will always remember are people from the church. It's kind of crazy, but when I think about my early childhood, almost all of my memories involve First Baptist Church Wewoka or people who went there.

When I was about 7, Sunday school lessons and sermons were really starting to make sense and the Holy Spirit started to work on my heart. I remember having a longing for Jesus to be in my heart and I wanted to become a Christian. I knew that I needed Jesus. One Saturday night, I remember my parents being in their master bathroom at our first house in Quail Run. I walked in and sat down on the floor. I asked my daddy to help me pray and ask Jesus into my heart. We prayed together and then he read me some scripture. There wasn't any great transformation...I didn't immediately feel different...it was a simple, child's prayer. But at that point, I knew that Jesus was Lord over my life and that I was a follower of Christ. The next morning, I walked down front...I still remember that red carpet...and I announced my salvation. A few weeks later, right about the time that I turned 8, I was baptized at Wewoka First Baptist Church.

I started school in Seminole, and as I got older I started becoming involved in lots of activities and making friends at school. We gradually started drifting away from FBC Wewoka and started attending FBC Seminole. This was my mother's childhood church, and also where my great-grandmother had attended for years...every time the doors were open. My great-grandmother, Lillian McKenzie, played an important role in guiding my Christian faith. Her Bible was worn, wrote in, and always open. She would always talk about Jesus and would have random scriptures written in random places throughout her house. She was the best example of a Christian that I knew. She was kind, strong, confident...she could quote the Bible and she LOVED Jesus. She had this aura surrounding her...like everyone knew that Jesus's light was shining through her. Looking back, there's so much I wish I would have asked her or learned from her about the Word and about her own personal walk with Christ. But unfortunately, when you're an adolescent those types of things aren't usually your top priority.

Going to church at FBC Seminole just wasn't the same. We were new, so mom and dad no longer taught Sunday school or lead the youth group. The church was bigger and I didn't know everyone that I was sitting next to on Sunday mornings. Dad got busier with work and mom started working on finishing her degree, so we weren't as involved in the church. I floated back and forth between Wewoka and Seminole youth groups. I even went to Falls Creek with both churches, but I never really felt like I belonged. Seminole youth group was big, and I was new at trying to be in a youth group instead of just being a youth leader's kid. I was really intimidated and felt like I needed to know so much more to be involved. These kids knew all of the latest Christian songs...they knew bible verses by memory...they could give their testimonies on demand. I had always gone to church, but now I just felt like a little kid that only knew the popular Bible stories you learned in Sunday school. I'm a perfectionist and an over-achiever, so naturally I didn't feel "good enough" for this youth group. I felt so behind in my Christian knowledge, and at this point, my teenage ego didn't realize that that didn't matter....that my relationship with Jesus was "good enough" and surpassed any bible knowledge or praise and worship song that I may not know. I went to Falls Creek a couple of times as a teen, came to every "See You at the Pole," and tried to feel like part of the group, but after more or less being told that I wan't a "good enough" Christian to go to Super Summer, I was done.

I was a little rebellious in high school. Nothing too crazy...I mean, I made straight A's and was Valedictorian, and was homecoming attendant every year, but I wasn't an angel. I found my "first love" and went through a terrible high school relationship. He pulled me away from Jesus and completely jumbled my mind. After five crazy years, I met Jeb. Okay...well, I had always known Jeb for as long as I can remember. He was even my boyfriend in the seventh grade. But the summer after my junior year, I really met Jeb. And I fell in love. Real love...a different kind of love than before. I knew he was a Christian, but at first we never talked about religion or Christ. As we started college and our relationship grew, we started attending church with my parents when we could. We both began to really have a longing for a deeper relationship with Christ. We began reading our Bible more and talking about Jesus. Tommy Clark was the Pastor at FBC Seminole and Jeb loved his sermons. We both felt like we could really relate and for the first time in a long time, I started feeling "good enough" for Jesus. I had matured in my faith and I realized that all that "churchy" stuff didn't matter. My personal relationship with Jesus was ALL that mattered.

Jeb was saved at Falls Creek during high school, but never followed through with baptism. The month before our wedding, Jeb was finally baptized. Marriage counseling with Pastor Tommy was absolutely wonderful. I saw a spark ignite within Jeb, and I began to see his desire to learn more about Christ and become the spiritual leader of our home. We began praying aloud together as a couple and even took a "Starting Point" class at the church a few months after our wedding. But it wasn't until I became a mother (just 10 months after we were married!) that I really began to realize that I wasn't making Christ the MAIN priority in my life. I wanted my children to know Christ and I wanted to be able to teach them about the Bible and share with them all of the wonderful things about Jesus. But how could I do this if I wasn't where I needed to be as a Christian? And then it hit me. This was going to take work. How would I get to know Christ more if I didn't spend time with Him? Just like any other relationship, learning about Christ was going to require some work on my part. I needed to spend time with Him daily, spend time in His Word, and pray for Him to lead me in the right direction. So for the last few years, this is where I have been...trying daily to learn more about Jesus Christ and how he can use me as a wife, mother, and health care provider.

But even through all of this, I STILL struggled with the "once saved, always saved" issue. As I mentioned before, I am an over-achiever and I can never just "kind of" do something. This type of personality has it's strengths, but Satan had found my weakness in it. I have never felt like my testimony was "good enough" for Jesus. I always questioned, "Was my little prayer good enough to really make me a Christian?" At 7 years old, I didn't have this amazing, life-changing experience when I asked Christ to come into my heart, and I've always struggled with that. I feel like I'm constantly asking Jesus to come into my heart and lead my life, because I never felt like my salvation experience was "good enough" or "memorable enough."  However, this past Sunday, Pastor Marvin spoke the words, "No one that deserves to go to heaven, is going to go to hell." Now he was not saying this in relation to your works, but meaning that anyone who has a personal relationship with Christ and has asked Him to be Lord of their life will be going to heaven. This hit me. Hard. And at that moment I knew...I mean really knew... that yes, of course I'm going to heaven! I felt Jesus saying to me (loudly... almost as if he was yelling at me) "STOP IT. STOP IT right now, Kelli Ann! This has GOT to STOP!" You know, the way your parents would scold you...that tone where you knew that they loved you, but were scolding you because you knew better.

And then my heart was at peace as I heard Jesus saying to me, "You are enough. That tiny little prayer when you were 7 years old was enough. When you are a broken mess, you are enough. Your works will never be enough, but all I want is you...weaknesses and all. You, Kelli Ann Rollins, are enough. You don't have to have the most amazing salvation story and you don't have to have this mountain-moving testimony, because it is not you, but me who makes things amazing. Your life and your story is amazing because of Jesus Christ. Quit trying to be good enough for me. You will never be good enough for me, and I love you anyway. You are already mine...and you have been mine since you were 7 years old." I felt as if a HUGE weight had been lifted off of me. I could quit trying. I could quit auditioning for Christ. He doesn't love me in spite of my weaknesses, He loves me BECAUSE of my weaknesses. That's what's so AWESOME about Jesus! You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have a "Pinterest-type" testimony. YOU ARE ENOUGH...just the way you are.

I have been a Christian since I was 7. I am not perfect. I don't have many Bible verses memorized. I don't make it to church every single Sunday. I don't even think I could name all twelve disciples. But I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and he is Lord of my life. I love Him with all of my heart, and I strive every day to know Him better and share His love with those around me. And that...is enough.

new beginnings.

It's 5 a.m. and I can't sleep. Possibly due to the fact that there are two little munchkins in my bed, leaving me with about two inches of space and a major back ache. They won't be little long, and I must say, most nights I enjoy LilliAnn's little hand wrapped around my arm or Reid's feet on top of my legs. There are lots of new and exciting things going on with the Ruckus, so I thought I'd use this opportunity to write a bit.

First of all, we finally bit the bullet and have dove head first into building our new house. We've had our lot in the country club for about two years, and after looking for land - you know, the PERFECT land...not too far out, no dirt roads, not too much land, but not too little...we decided that the country club was the best location for us. We LOVE our lot. It's only about an acre, but it's in the very back cul-de-sac of a gated neighborhood and we'll a beautiful view of one of the golf course ponds from our front door. There are trees and a creek behind us and we'll only have a neighbor on our right, as the left side of our house is an area of trees and then part of the golf course. We decided that since our kids will be involved in so many activities, and since we like to "go and do"/travel frequently, it would be best to have a place in town with a smaller yard that is easy maintenance. We go to our lake house frequently, so it's not like our kids don't ever get that "country" or "outdoorsy" experience. I told Jeb that he could always buy hunting and fishing land that we wouldn't have to maintain. So...we sealed the deal. We visited the architect last week for the second time and made a huge amount of progress. I wanted a custom plan drawn, but ended up finding a plan that I really liked. After all of my changes, we only ended up using about 35% of the plan (the rest being custom), but I think I finally have what  I want. The exterior/elevation is a french style that is very traditional and symmetrical. We have a port de cochere, a three car garage, a swimming pool, plus a couple of future rooms upstairs in case we ever want to "add on." I'm nervous about all of the decisions, but I have came to the realization that there is no perfect house. I simply cannot anticipate every little thing, and there are always going to be things that I want to change or wish I would've done differently. I'm praying for patience during this process and for help in making easy decisions without fretting or regretting! We pick up our preliminary plans on Thursday and then we'll submit our final changes. We're hoping to break ground next month! Wish us luck!!

Reid and LilliAnn start school in a couple of days and they are BOTH extremely excited! I wish I could say the same for myself. Reid will begin Pre-K at Grove and he found out this weekend that his teacher will be Mrs. Schooler. Several of his buddies had Mrs. Schooler last year, and he was really hoping to have her for his teacher. I was so relieved when I got the call that he would be in her class. Also, the only two boys that Reid knows that will be starting Pre-K with him are also in Mrs. Schooler's class. He has really matured this summer and I finally feel good about sending him to school. I know that waiting until this year to start him was the absolute best decision. He wants to eat in the cafeteria and told me this morning that I didn't need to walk in and pick him up, he would just walk out all by himself to the car. He has his blue Under Armour backpack and orange and blue shark nap mat are ready to go!

LilliAnn will begin Mother's Day Out this year at Immanuel Baptist Church. She'll only be going two days a week, as we have dance and gymnastics on the other days. Lil will be in the 3 year-old class with several other kids that we know. She's little miss independent and keeps telling everyone that she's going to ride her bike to school. She picked out a purple backpack and lunchbox from Potterbarn that has a horse and her name monogrammed on them. I'm not worried as much about her first day because she seems so confident about school. She said that she is going to be kind to all of the other children and that she is going to have "lots and lots and lots of friends" in her class. LilliAnn starts school the day before Reid, so I'm going to use that day for a special "Reid and Mommy" day.

This will be the first time ever that our family will have to have a routine or schedule. It's definitely going to be a big change for us! I found out today that Reid has to be at school by 7:55 a.m. every morning. That's sooooooo early! We typically sleep until 10 a.m.! I am going to be honest. I think this is going to be hard for us...but, I think it is going to be good for us. We need a little more structure to our family. The will make us stay home more and stick to a normal bedtime routine. I'm hoping that I can go to the YMCA and work-out on the mornings that I drop the kids off at school. I'm not going to know what to do with all of this free time! Oh wait...I'll be building a house!

In other news: BOTH of our beta fish died this week, as I forgot to put the bowl buddy tablets in the fresh water when I cleaned the bowls. I felt terrible and LilliAnn started crying, but Reid was super sweet and said, "It's ok, mom. Sometimes things like that just happen." He told LilliAnn that they were going to be ok because they were in fishy heaven now. I was so thankful for his kind words and compassion. He was adamant, however, that we didn't flush them down the toilet. He was worried that they would get lost because he wasn't sure if our toilet went to the ocean, and would rather us throw them in the "big trash can outside." So...that's where they went. We went to Walmart that afternoon and now our fish bowls are occupied by two new betas.
The lizard tank is sitting on the back porch because I was getting the feeling that my house was starting to smell like a pet store. The thought (and smell) was seriously making me sick. Jeb said that is wasn't bad at all and that I was overreacting, but I really just wanted an excuse to get rid of the lizards. The kids don't play with the much anymore (thanks to the little incident where one jumped up and bit Reid on the nose and then was posted up on our couch with his beard puffed out looking really mean). I have to give them water, lettuce, sprinkle vitamin powder on their lettuce, clean their cage, AND feed them crickets. I'm tired of the lizards. Soooooo, if anyone is interested in two bearded dragons. PLEASE let me know! :)

As you can see, we have a lot of big changes coming our way. Stay tuned for updates!

wonderfully made.

Tonight, I am writing from my heart. I know that my little family blog is not seen by many, so I feel as if I am writing this post to myself. I'm not quite sure how to start this topic, so I'm just going to throw it out there.

I used to have boobs...not huge boobs...but boobs. After breastfeeding for 40 months of my life, I have skin. I am 8 pounds lighter than when I got married, 12 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with Reid, and 7 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with LilliAnn, which doesn't help matters when it comes to the volume of breast tissue. Now that Jeb and I are pretty positive that we are not going to have any more children, I have began to focus on myself and my body a bit more. I have been eating light and clean, trying to eliminate gluten and sugar as much as possible, and I have been working out on most days of the week. I love my stomach and can see my abs more than I ever have before. My legs are finally started to get toned. And this week I reached my goal weight. However, my boobs, or "skin," is really starting to make me self-conscious. In a sports bra, I look like a boy and when I look at my breasts in the mirror, it makes me extremely sad. I want to feel like a woman. I want to have boobs...not big boobs...just any boobs. I really don't want a "boob job," I just want my own boobs to come back! Jeb tells me that I am beautiful and that I look "athletic," but he is a man, and I know deep down that he would love for his wife to have breasts again.

Everyone tells me, "Just get some," or "You have the money, go get a pair." Even my dad has made comments like (jokingly - you have to know my dad), "Have your boobs always been that small?" "I'll pay for you some," and "If my chest looked like that I would go to the ER and tell them that I needed an emergency boob job!" And this weekend, Jeb and I were heading out for an evening run at the lake house and my grandpa says "Where did your boobs go, Kelli Ann?" I'm not going to lie. It is depressing. I feel guilty for making this a big deal, because compared to people that have cancer, people that lost their homes and loved ones in the tornado, and other serious problems, my problem seems pretty trivial. But I REALLY needed to write about it. It really bothers me. I needed to make some sense of all of the thoughts in my head. Especially since it is bathing suit season and we go to the beach in a few days. It has been extra hard trying to find a bathing suit top that fits someone with ZERO breast tissue. My friends say, "Get one of those Victoria Secret push-up swimsuits." But they don't understand. I have NOTHING to push up. I mean NOTHING....only skin. The "add 2-cup sizes" bikini tops don't work when you have skin and no breast tissue because it just forms this huge gap that looks ridiculous.

So I know what you're thinking. "What's the issue?" "What's the problem?" "Why don't you just go get a boob job like HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of other women?"
This is why. I am a thinker. I am a researcher. I believe in health. Not just the absence of disease, but true HEALTH. I am a healthcare provider... a nurse practitioner... and I work for a nurse practitioner who specializes in functional medicine, integrative medicine, nutritional medicine, and women's health. I know a lot.... a lot more than most women who just go get a boob job because they need one. And just let me say, ANYONE that looked at my chest would agree that I definitely REALLY NEED breast augmentation surgery. Sometimes I wish I didn't know so much. I wish I didn't know that most of our patients who have silicone implants have positive ANA's and autoimmune issues (coincidence?). I wish I didn't know that almost every patient that has implants that I do clinical breast exams on during well-woman visits (especially the ones that have had their implants for several years) have rock hard, immobile breasts from scar tissue and contractures. I wish I didn't know that implants make it much more difficult to detect and diagnose breast cancer. And that over 50% of breast implant patients have some sort of complication within the first few years, and over 30% of women with breast implants eventually get them removed. I wish I didn't know that all types of implants eventually rupture and that silicone leaks or diffuses into the tissue at some point (even with the safer "gummy bear" cohesive gel silicone implants), or that almost every saline implant removed has been found to have mold or bacteria growing inside of them. I wish I hadn't heard first hand stories from patients that became sick from silicon in their body or mold/bacteria that leached into their tissues... how previously healthy women have developed fatigue, brain fog, lupus, joint pain, rhumatoid arthritis, and neurological issues a few years after getting implants. I wish I didn't know that these chemicals in implants (Benzene, phenol, rubber solvent, acetone, lacquer thinner, toluene, freon, epoxy resin and hardener, polyvinyl chloride, isopropyl alcohol, solder, metal cleaning acid, formaldehyde, color pigments) eventually diffuse into your body (either in small or large amounts) at some point...some people can detoxify well and "handle" it, while other people will become sick and may never know or associate their symptoms with their implants.
Because if I didn't know all of this, I would have a beautiful pair of breasts right now. And I wouldn't have this anxiety about getting a "boob job." Everyone does fine at first, but what about after a couple of years? What will these artificial implants do to their body? The body tries to fight off anything that is foreign, thus contributing to autoimmune issues and a host of complications that accompany this.

I know...I could die of a car accident tomorrow. I could get diagnosed with breast cancer at an early age. I could get sick from pneumonia and die of complications next week. But the issue is, why ask for problems or put something into your body that you KNOW is harmful. It would be one thing if I didn't know these things, but I do. I am educated about risks that aren't talked about. I know things that aren't discussed or shared openly because breast augmentation is the number one type of plastic surgery, and implants are one of the most profitable artificial or "prosthetic devices." I know about complications concerning a topic and a surgery that isn't openly discussed in society. I have researched and educated myself, AND I am a health care provider... an integrative health care provider... that does a lot of women's health so I KNOW these things. So how can I get a breast augmentation and just pretend like I don't know these things, or pretend like I am not worried about them. Call me crazy, and you may think I am strange or weird, but what would you do if you knew all of this information and knew of people that had went through it?! Plus, my anxious, perfectionist personality doesn't help things!

It's all about benefit versus risk. And right now, for me, the risks outweigh the benefits. They make padded bras and gel inserts for my bathing suits. My husband adores me, and I honestly don't think our sex life could get any better - even with a pair of full C's :) And as sad as I get sometimes when I turn sideways and look in the mirror, I wouldn't trade nursing my two children for ANYTHING in this world...especially for a pair of nice breasts. My children never had one drop of formula and that is something that I am extremely proud of.

I have a consult with a very reputable plastic surgeon the middle of June. And I want pretty, perky boobs...BAD. I mean REALLY BAD! When I am in a bathing suit (and especially around males when I'm in a bathing suit), I am all for it. I think, "Everyone does it, Kelli Ann. You're going to do it." But then when I sit down and really think about it...pray about it...I get sick to my stomach and feel in my gut like I shouldn't. My mother has always told me to not do something unless "your entire being is screaming yes." I can definitely say that my entire being is very hesitant on this one. After praying tonight, I couldn't sleep so I picked up my phone and started doing more reading. I was lead to a blog where a mother of four children decided against implants after several friends of hers had complications. Her father was a pathologist and told her that when he had to look under a microscope at breast implants, he saw "so many things that should not be in a women's body." I found this scripture and it hit me like a rock. It reached all the way to my core and shook my soul.

I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
Psalm 139:14

This is what He wants me to know. This was exactly what I needed to read tonight. He was speaking to me.

I had a horrible experience in August with Botox and I am just now (9 months later) almost fully recovered. I started a post about this long ago, but have yet to finish it, as the story is complicated and emotional. The Lord spoke to me during this experience, and used this to get my attention. I was not where I needed to be spiritually and in my walk with Christ, and the Lord knew that my health was the way to wake me up and change my path. This was a learning experience, and I feel like this was a warning/wake up call or "precursor" incident to saving me from other things. We are not perfect. If I had "perfect" breasts, I'm sure I would find something else wrong with my body...like my thighs would be too big. It's not about the breasts. It's about loving and accepting myself. 

I have read about fat transfer for breast augmentation, and how this is promising and a safer alternative. I'm not sure that I'm even a candidate, but I am definitely interested... but right now, I am going to pray for peace.... to be content ... and to be still. 

ten things you may or may not know about me.

10 things you may, or may not, know about me. Why? Because I have wraps on my thighs (don't ask, I'm trying the It Works! wrap products) and I can't sleep.

1. I am left-handed. The only other person in my family that I know of that was left-handed was my maternal grandfather, John Charles McKenzie. Actually, he was ambidextrous.
2. I'm addicted to hot baths. I take at least two baths a day, and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night to take baths. And I don't really like turning the Jacuzzi jets on (weird, I know). 
3. I love sending snail mail and thank you cards. Invitations and stationary are some of my favorite things. 
4. I WILL pee my pants if someone tickles me. I cannot control it. And yes, I still will do this even though I am almost thirty years old. 
5. I was Valedictorian and Senior Class President. 
6. I am claustrophobic. And I mean extremely claustrophobic. I will not get into an elevator by myself and tight spaces really freak me out. 
7. I do not vaccinate my children. I don't tell this to many people, especially since I am a health care provider. No, I am not opposed to vaccines and no, I do not think all vaccines are bad. I do, however, think that there needs to be more research on childhood vaccinations and the vaccination schedule. I have researched and educated myself extensively on this subject. This is a personal decision that I have made as a parent and I feel very good about my decision. 
8. My first car was a black Isuzu Rodeo. I have had six vehicles since then, including a champagne Chevy Tahoe, a maroon Chevy Tahoe, a pearl white Chrysler 300C, a black BMW 5 series, a black Cadillac Escalade Platinum, and a Mocha Steel Cadillac Escalade Platinum. 
9. My junk foods of choice include: Mild Duds, Funyuns, Sour Patch Kids, Tangy Taffy, Hot Fries, Grape pop, Pepsi from Taco Bell, McDonald's french fries, donut holes with milk, my grandma Lucy's fudge, and Reese's (oh, and I eat all of the chocolate off my Reese's first and then eat the peanut butter). I WILL let myself indulge in a few of these at the lake this summer. 
10. When I was five, my dad accidentally shot a firework into our entire box of fireworks that was sitting on the front deck of our trailer house (We used to live in a trailer house and we had bird dogs too!). You should have see that firework show. This is one of my earliest and most vivid memories. I think that is the fastest that I ever saw my dad run. 

a bit behind.

I cannot believe that I haven't posted in an entire month! I usually don't print off pictures and I don't do photo albums, so I use this blog as a family scrapbook...kind of like a photo journal for our family... And therefore I don't like to get behind. I already feel like a failure because I didn't do a post about our family cruise to Belize, Honduras, and Cozumel last summer or about our family ski trip to Keystone a couple of months ago. But then I guess that my blog is more than most people have time to do, so I must give myself some credit.

I absolutely LOVE pictures, so most of my posts consist of photos...and lots of them! This is the best way I have found to document our memories. I tried printing off a blog book, but because I post so many pictures, the formatting is off and the captions and spacing are not with the correct pictures. I tried re-formatting the blog book, but then it puts about four pictures per page and the book becomes hundreds of pages long (thus costing hundreds of dollars!). The blog book would be amazing...IF I posted mostly text instead of mostly pictures. Sooooo...if anyone has any suggestions or ideas for a blog book. I would really appreciate your input/suggestions. I may just have to purchase the digital copy of my blog on CD every year...to have for keeps (although I would prefer a hard copy, like a book).

Things have been busy the past few months. LilliAnn is becoming more independent, making for lots of bickering between her and Reid. Some days I feel like all I do is break up fights. I love that they are so close, but having kids two years apart sure does make for more arguing! Currently, they really enjoy working on letters and phonics. They both know the sound that every letter makes, and LilliAnn can write her name AND several letters on her own. Reid's strength seems to be math, and he loves playing NBA 2013 on the PS3 and adding the scores in his head. We're going to Walt Disney World in just two weeks for the kids' birthdays (I promise there will be a post on this!), so we've been watching lots of Disney movies...particularly Cinderella, Snow White, and Beauty & The Beast. I have everything booked and all reservations made (including Bibbity Bobbity Boutique, then dinner at Cinderella's Royal Table in the Cinderella Castle!)...we are ready to go!

I am mid-semester in the graduate level pharmacology class that I am helping teach, so all of my extra time is spent grading research discussions and narrating PowerPoints. I am really enjoying being adjunct faculty at the OU College of Nursing, but it takes a lot of time and it is really hard to work from home with two little ones. I would love to keep teaching, but I think after this semester I will hold off until the kids are older.

In other big news, my dad just expanded his business...meaning that as of May 1 he will begin operating all of the oil wells and managing all of the company. The office will move from Wewoka to Shawnee, and it is going to take all of us to help get things up and running. Since Jeb works for my dad and we own part of the family business, Kelly Cook Oil LLC, this is going to be a big deal for us too! It means lots more responsibility for my dad, but it is necessary to continue to strengthen our business. Most of our summer will consist of putting together an office and working out all of the kinks as we take on this new adventure! More on this to come later...

The next few weeks will be jam packed with Easter and packing for our trip, but I hope to keep up with the blog a little better this month!

a little update...

I cannot believe I haven't blogged anything since Christmas! January is looking kind of blank on the blog, so I thought I would make a quick catch up post before heading to bed.

The week after Christmas, the director of the Nurse Practitioner Program at OU called and asked me if I would consider being adjunct faculty for the Pharmacology for Advanced Practice Nursing course. Because I absolutely LOVE the program director, Cathrin Carithers (who was one of my previous instructors), because I LOVE the OU College of Nursing, and because I am weird and LOVE school, I said yes. There are about sixty students in the course and although it is mostly on-line, we still have conference calls a few times a week and there is lots of grading to be done. I am currently helping the main instructor for the course, Dianna Webber, update and finish up the last module for the course. It has been a while since I have done a PowerPoint, and I even have to narrate it for the students. Eeeek! The grading takes up some of my time, but I am enjoying being busy (most days!).

I am only filling in for Tricia now at the clinic, which means I usually see patients about two days a month. I miss having my own patients, but I love getting to spend more time with my babies. I have the rest of my life to work, and my babies won't be little for very much longer.
Yesterday we met with an architect and started discussing the plans for our new home. I am very excited, but even more overwhelmed! I am so not good with decisions....especially big decisions...and I overanalyze everything! I tend to be a very visual person, so hard for me to get the idea of what the general flow of my house will be when I am looking at it on a piece of paper. So....I am just trying to breathe and enjoy this process...take things one day at a time and hope that we get started on this house in the next couple of months (if I can ever get my plans finished!).

Reid is playing basketball at the YMCA and Jeb is coaching his team. He mama thinks he is the star player, of course, and he has scored 12, 14,  and 10 points in his last three games. They don't keep score at this age, but Reid makes sure that I am keeping track while I am cheering him on in the bleachers. He wears Under Armour, Nike, and his K.D. or Michael Jordan shoes almost every day, and it is a fight to get any other type of clothing on that kid. This evening, he put on his Nike shorts and his #23 headband and wristbands, then walked into the living room to show LilliAnn. "How do I look?" He asked. She replied, "SO very handsome!" Reid got a really big kick out of her response.
If this little boy isn't practicing his hoops, he's at the table working a jigsaw puzzle...his new obsession. He is actually very good at puzzles! I have found that Reid and I really bond when working puzzles together, because it seems to be a quiet, relaxing activity for our high-strung personalities.

LilliAnn is getting quite the personality...I mean, I thought her personality couldn't get any bigger, but these past few weeks she has really been outgoing! As I described her when she was an infant...she is such a joy! He giggles, silly sayings, sweet words, beautiful dances (especially her new "shake it" move), her poses, and her intelligence (she is already writing "Lilli" by herself!), far outweigh the temper tantrums and little diva fits that have seemed to surface this past month. She knows all of her letters and their sounds, knows her birthday, can count to 20, spell her name, knows the words to several songs, can write several of her letters, can wipe herself (very efficiently!), and can climb up onto ANYTHING....especially if there is candy at the top!
Her hair is crazy, curly, and still pretty short, but it fits her personality perfectly! The front is finally starting to get some length and I love being able to put it in a ponytail. She loves all things princess...especially Cinderella, and cannot wait for her "beautiful princess birthday at the castle at Disney World where Cinderella will eat my cake with me."

Jeb is enjoying coaching Reid's basketball team. Reid keeps him busy playing baseball in the backyard or playing NBA 2K13 on the PlayStation. He spends all of his free time with our kids and is truly the BEST daddy in the world! He took Reid to Papa Jeff's house in Ada last weekend and they had a great time playing on the farm and gathering chicken eggs. Jeb really likes the "country boy" life and still isn't so sure about us building our new home in the Country Club. We're still keeping our eye out for land that isn't too far out of town, but will most likely build on our lot. It is a big lot at the end of the cul-de-sac, in the gated back part of the Shawnee Country Club, so I think it will be a great location for our family! I told him that we can always buy land later and he can build him a little "man shop" on his land.

The Rollins Ruckus have been busy little bees, as usual...but we wouldn't have it any other way! Stay tuned for a post that showcases our adorable Valentine pictures! Lots of love <3 p="">

Thinking about three...

Don't let the title of this post fool you...no, I am NOT pregnant, nor am I planning on getting pregnant. I just have been wanting to write down my thoughts about a third child, as I think it will help to organize and understand my thought process in this decision.

When you have two boys or two girls, or when all your children are the same sex, it's easy to decided whether or not to have another baby. Right? But what about when you have one boy and one girl? That's when it gets tough...well, for me anyway. When I found out LilliAnn was a girl, I said this was it. Our little family would be complete. One boy. One girl. That's perfect. Right?! Well...now that my little ones are growing up, I'm not so sure. In the back of my mind I always have told myself I would have three children...two boys and a girl (not that you get to pick the sex or anything). Then I felt like I kind of let everyone else talk me out of that thinking. "You have one of each. That's perfect." "You have one for each hand." "You and your husband won't have to miss any of their events." "You get to do the boy thing AND the girl thing."
And, my mother helps me a lot with my kids. They live really close and we're over at their house almost every day. She is my angel and I know it would be terribly hard to raise my two children without her! Her opinion is that I definitely do not need any more children. After I had LilliAnn she would say, "This is it. You know, like the last Michael Jackson concert." We have had the discussion of two versus three MANY times, and always came to the conclusion that two was perfect. It just seemed to make sense since my only sibling is my younger brother. My dad is also a fan of only two children. He is a very analytical and logical thinker and says, due to the "hard times" and financial obligations of providing for your children, that two is all that anyone in this world should have. When I am having a hard day with my kids, dad will aske me, "How many more do you want?" Also, four has been a hard age for Reid. He is gaining his personality and independence...is transitioning to getting ready to start school, and we have had to work on a lot of things. He has terrible separation anxiety, which has been extra tough on us all. He is intelligent, diligent, a perfectionist, and sensitive...but learning to control his emotions and his "type A" personality has been a challenge. This is another reason why I just knew that I did not need another child. My two spirited children were going to need all of my attention!

We have talked, and talked, and talked, and I have thought, and thought, and thought about why two children are perfect and why we shouldn't have another:

• we have a boy and a girl
• we live a crazy, chaotic, busy life and would we be willing to sacrifice some of the things we enjoy like vacations/traveling, going out to dinner by adding another child? 
• financial reasons - there is college, cars, clothes, pictures...and all of the things that I love to splurge on and by for my children because that is what I enjoy
• the time commitment - would we be able to give each of them enough attention? These two are very high maintenance, would it be a bad idea to take away some of the attention and time commitment that they need?
• disruption of the family dynamic - What if we have another boy and he doesn't have as much in common with Jeb as Reid does? Will he always feel left out, even if it is not purposeful, and not feel as close to his father, thus turning to drugs or other dysfunctional coping habits. 
• being pulled one more way - Because I'm so high strung, OCD, type A, and like to "over do" everything, would another child stress me out so much as I'm trying to be the "perfect mom" that I won't enjoy my children as much, and would have trouble being in the moment/making memories?
• Will we be able to help them as much as they get older? Financially and time-commitment
• What about grand-children? The more children you have, the more grandchildren...more time and financial commitments...
• Would three siblings be as close as our two siblings? Would there be jealousy between the same sexes? 

There are just some of the thoughts/fears I have about bringing another baby into our family. But, yes, I know...there are no definite answers to some of these questions, and it probably would be worth the sacrifice because you would be gaining a wonderful, precious family member who would add a tremendous amount of joy into our lives. Because I come from a family of two children, it is hard for me to see this from the point of view of a big family. My brother and I are very close and I cannot imagine having to share my mother with a sister. I love our special bond and all of the time that she has for me! However, friends of mine have said, "How do you live without a sister?" That is something I have never had, but when I think about it, I really don't wish that I had a sister. A bonus for us is that my cousin, Lacee, married Jeb's brother, Josh. Their son, Jett, is only 9 months older than Reid and their daughter, Josslynn, is only 5 months younger than Lil. So in a way, it kind of is like my kids have a brother and a sister their age because we are around them so much.

So, after all of the deliberation...I decided that everyone was right, and after learning just how "spirited" my children were going to be, I was sure that TWO was our magic number. I put the thought of three children away and told myself that Jeb and I wouldn't make any permanent decisions and we would revisit the thought when LilliAnn turned two. I tend to work well with deadlines.
Well...LilliAnn turned two and with each passing day I wanted to have a third child a little bit more. I told Jeb I was going to make an appointment for a breast augmentation if he was absolutely sure that he didn't want any more children (thinking this would really help to make my decision). He told me that he thought he was sure, but to wait just a little bit longer on the boobs. That answer didn't help much! Then my cousin Mica and one of my best friends, Logan, had babies. Then the baby fever really set it! But I was still having days where I thought that two was really all that I could handle AND all that I needed. I recently discussed my thoughts with Jeb and he said that our family of four is just perfect. He actually said, "Kelli Ann, these two are everything we ever wanted." And you know what. He is right.

Here's where it gets confusing. If I have listed out all of the reasons why we shouldn't have another child, Jeb is content with two children and feels that our family is complete, my mom, dad, AND best friend are against me having another child...then why do I still think about it every. single. day.????
I have dreams about our other child...a little boy. He looks like Reid, but with blonder hair and a little chubbier. His name would be Rushton Jeb, and I call him "Rush" in my dreams. I KNOW that the two children I have are perfect! I KNOW that they are everything I ever wanted. I KNOW that the logical and smart thing would be to not having anymore children...but I cannot be satisfied with that and stop thinking about it. And I DO NOT know why. So, now I've given myself another deadline...January 1. I told myself that if I had not decided and was not pregnant by the time I was 30, then I was definitely NOT having any more children.

I know that God has the perfect plan for my little family and I have put my complete trust in His will. I know that whatever is meant to happen, will happen according to His plan. I have been praying continually that God will give me a peace about a decision and will lead me in the direction that only He knows is right. A couple of weeks ago, as I was driving out to the lake, the third child thing had been weighing heavily on my heart so I began to pray out loud. I told God that I wasn't good at subtle hints and that I really needed Him to give me a sign if he wanted me to have another child. That night, there was an earthquake. My verse of the day on my bible app that I read before I went to sleep was this:

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
   Romans 8:31

The next morning I woke up very, very early and got in the bathtub because I didn't sleep well the night before. I was so restless and had tossed and turned all night long. When I got in the bath I started reading my bible and this was my daily verse that morning:

"My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you."
   Isaiah 26:9

It also started raining that morning and hadn't rained in weeks.

I don't want to look back in ten years and regret not having a third child...but I also don't want to have a third child because everyone else around me are having babies, or because I'm only 28 and I feel like I still have a lot of "baby making time left", or because I want to try some of the new baby ideas on Pinterest, or because I want to take cute baby pictures like people are posting on Facebook.

I want our decision to be well thought, and what is best for our family, but most importantly...I want our decision to be His plan - a decision that we have continually prayed about and that we feel He has lead us to make. For right now...TWO IS PERFECT and our family is complete. I will continue to pray for peace about this decision and if God has other plans, let His will be done.

Tid Bit

What you may or may not know about me:

I have breastfed for over 3 years of my life!

March Madness?!

March Madness? Yep, that pretty much sums up the way March has been so far. Someone was talking about basketball today and mentioned March Madness, and I thought. Hmmmm...that is exactly it...March. Madness! Since having two April babies, March will probably continue to be "madness" for our family for a very long time.  Here's why. When the month of March hits I get panicky - LilliAnn's birthday is April 6, Reid's is April 25 - I've got to get into birthday party mode - there's what the kids are going to wear, ordering outfits, party accessories, etc., then there's invitations, and pictures. Also, the beginning of March means that Easter is just around the corner...Easter AND two birthdays?! That more clothes, more ordering, more matching, more pictures, Easter baskets, planning Easter egg hunts and egg dying. And it's the beginning of Spring so I'm stressing about the flowerbeds, getting the garage cleaned out, and the closets organized - thanks to my crazy OCD that I battle EVERY day! Not to mention that March is usually the peak of Flu season. Reid has been running fever for three days and today it spiked to 104. The poor little guy is so sick! He told me yesterday morning, "Mommy, I'm sorry." "Why, Reid? I answered. "No, I'm just so sad at myself that I'm sick and can't go to school." He has just starting liking school (Mother's Day Out) the past two weeks and was crying to go yesterday morning. I started teaching in the OU Nurse Practitioner program this semester as adjunct faculty. I absolutely LOVE it, but it is much harder working from home than I thought it was going to be. I usually go up to class once every two weeks and then have some grading to do during the week. This usually works out fine, but the students' SOAP notes were due last week, which means lots of 15-20 page papers for me to grade. With out super busy schedule of Kindermusik, dance, swimming lessons, and then Reid getting sick, I've been staying up until 3 am the past week trying to get some grading done - which makes for one tired mama!

As I've prayed about the chaos that is clouding up my mind and home, I realize that none of this is important. None of this is even necessary. Yes, I LOVE cute birthday invitations, themed parties, and matching Eater clothes, but is it really a big deal if the kids don't have monogrammed Easter baskets?! In 20 years my children will not remember their 2nd and 4th birthday parties, nor will they remember what they were wearing. They will, however, always remember that I was there for them, played with them, prayed for them, cuddled them, loved them, supported them, comforted them, "held them tight," and was always in the moment. This is what I'm trying to strive for and keep in perspective as I march through March. I want to soak up every special moment of their childhood and teach them how to show Jesus's love in all that they do. In the midst of disarray, when my mind feels a clutter, I will look to Him for direction, peace, and focus.

My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken. Psalm 62:12