Thinking about three...

Don't let the title of this post fool you...no, I am NOT pregnant, nor am I planning on getting pregnant. I just have been wanting to write down my thoughts about a third child, as I think it will help to organize and understand my thought process in this decision.

When you have two boys or two girls, or when all your children are the same sex, it's easy to decided whether or not to have another baby. Right? But what about when you have one boy and one girl? That's when it gets tough...well, for me anyway. When I found out LilliAnn was a girl, I said this was it. Our little family would be complete. One boy. One girl. That's perfect. Right?! Well...now that my little ones are growing up, I'm not so sure. In the back of my mind I always have told myself I would have three children...two boys and a girl (not that you get to pick the sex or anything). Then I felt like I kind of let everyone else talk me out of that thinking. "You have one of each. That's perfect." "You have one for each hand." "You and your husband won't have to miss any of their events." "You get to do the boy thing AND the girl thing."
And, my mother helps me a lot with my kids. They live really close and we're over at their house almost every day. She is my angel and I know it would be terribly hard to raise my two children without her! Her opinion is that I definitely do not need any more children. After I had LilliAnn she would say, "This is it. You know, like the last Michael Jackson concert." We have had the discussion of two versus three MANY times, and always came to the conclusion that two was perfect. It just seemed to make sense since my only sibling is my younger brother. My dad is also a fan of only two children. He is a very analytical and logical thinker and says, due to the "hard times" and financial obligations of providing for your children, that two is all that anyone in this world should have. When I am having a hard day with my kids, dad will aske me, "How many more do you want?" Also, four has been a hard age for Reid. He is gaining his personality and independence...is transitioning to getting ready to start school, and we have had to work on a lot of things. He has terrible separation anxiety, which has been extra tough on us all. He is intelligent, diligent, a perfectionist, and sensitive...but learning to control his emotions and his "type A" personality has been a challenge. This is another reason why I just knew that I did not need another child. My two spirited children were going to need all of my attention!

We have talked, and talked, and talked, and I have thought, and thought, and thought about why two children are perfect and why we shouldn't have another:

• we have a boy and a girl
• we live a crazy, chaotic, busy life and would we be willing to sacrifice some of the things we enjoy like vacations/traveling, going out to dinner by adding another child? 
• financial reasons - there is college, cars, clothes, pictures...and all of the things that I love to splurge on and by for my children because that is what I enjoy
• the time commitment - would we be able to give each of them enough attention? These two are very high maintenance, would it be a bad idea to take away some of the attention and time commitment that they need?
• disruption of the family dynamic - What if we have another boy and he doesn't have as much in common with Jeb as Reid does? Will he always feel left out, even if it is not purposeful, and not feel as close to his father, thus turning to drugs or other dysfunctional coping habits. 
• being pulled one more way - Because I'm so high strung, OCD, type A, and like to "over do" everything, would another child stress me out so much as I'm trying to be the "perfect mom" that I won't enjoy my children as much, and would have trouble being in the moment/making memories?
• Will we be able to help them as much as they get older? Financially and time-commitment
• What about grand-children? The more children you have, the more grandchildren...more time and financial commitments...
• Would three siblings be as close as our two siblings? Would there be jealousy between the same sexes? 

There are just some of the thoughts/fears I have about bringing another baby into our family. But, yes, I know...there are no definite answers to some of these questions, and it probably would be worth the sacrifice because you would be gaining a wonderful, precious family member who would add a tremendous amount of joy into our lives. Because I come from a family of two children, it is hard for me to see this from the point of view of a big family. My brother and I are very close and I cannot imagine having to share my mother with a sister. I love our special bond and all of the time that she has for me! However, friends of mine have said, "How do you live without a sister?" That is something I have never had, but when I think about it, I really don't wish that I had a sister. A bonus for us is that my cousin, Lacee, married Jeb's brother, Josh. Their son, Jett, is only 9 months older than Reid and their daughter, Josslynn, is only 5 months younger than Lil. So in a way, it kind of is like my kids have a brother and a sister their age because we are around them so much.

So, after all of the deliberation...I decided that everyone was right, and after learning just how "spirited" my children were going to be, I was sure that TWO was our magic number. I put the thought of three children away and told myself that Jeb and I wouldn't make any permanent decisions and we would revisit the thought when LilliAnn turned two. I tend to work well with deadlines.
Well...LilliAnn turned two and with each passing day I wanted to have a third child a little bit more. I told Jeb I was going to make an appointment for a breast augmentation if he was absolutely sure that he didn't want any more children (thinking this would really help to make my decision). He told me that he thought he was sure, but to wait just a little bit longer on the boobs. That answer didn't help much! Then my cousin Mica and one of my best friends, Logan, had babies. Then the baby fever really set it! But I was still having days where I thought that two was really all that I could handle AND all that I needed. I recently discussed my thoughts with Jeb and he said that our family of four is just perfect. He actually said, "Kelli Ann, these two are everything we ever wanted." And you know what. He is right.

Here's where it gets confusing. If I have listed out all of the reasons why we shouldn't have another child, Jeb is content with two children and feels that our family is complete, my mom, dad, AND best friend are against me having another child...then why do I still think about it every. single. day.????
I have dreams about our other child...a little boy. He looks like Reid, but with blonder hair and a little chubbier. His name would be Rushton Jeb, and I call him "Rush" in my dreams. I KNOW that the two children I have are perfect! I KNOW that they are everything I ever wanted. I KNOW that the logical and smart thing would be to not having anymore children...but I cannot be satisfied with that and stop thinking about it. And I DO NOT know why. So, now I've given myself another deadline...January 1. I told myself that if I had not decided and was not pregnant by the time I was 30, then I was definitely NOT having any more children.

I know that God has the perfect plan for my little family and I have put my complete trust in His will. I know that whatever is meant to happen, will happen according to His plan. I have been praying continually that God will give me a peace about a decision and will lead me in the direction that only He knows is right. A couple of weeks ago, as I was driving out to the lake, the third child thing had been weighing heavily on my heart so I began to pray out loud. I told God that I wasn't good at subtle hints and that I really needed Him to give me a sign if he wanted me to have another child. That night, there was an earthquake. My verse of the day on my bible app that I read before I went to sleep was this:

"What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?"
   Romans 8:31

The next morning I woke up very, very early and got in the bathtub because I didn't sleep well the night before. I was so restless and had tossed and turned all night long. When I got in the bath I started reading my bible and this was my daily verse that morning:

"My soul yearns for you in the night; in the morning my spirit longs for you."
   Isaiah 26:9

It also started raining that morning and hadn't rained in weeks.

I don't want to look back in ten years and regret not having a third child...but I also don't want to have a third child because everyone else around me are having babies, or because I'm only 28 and I feel like I still have a lot of "baby making time left", or because I want to try some of the new baby ideas on Pinterest, or because I want to take cute baby pictures like people are posting on Facebook.

I want our decision to be well thought, and what is best for our family, but most importantly...I want our decision to be His plan - a decision that we have continually prayed about and that we feel He has lead us to make. For right now...TWO IS PERFECT and our family is complete. I will continue to pray for peace about this decision and if God has other plans, let His will be done.

Under the Sea. Cozumel Dive. 8/12

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If you have never been scuba diving, it is a definite for your bucket list! On our Carnival cruise last month, we went diving at Chankanaab Park in Cozumel. It was absolutely AMAZING! This was my second dive. Jeb and I did a dive in St. Lucia five years ago on our honeymoon. We didn't see as many fish or aquatic life this time as we did on that dive, but it was still a wonderful adventure! The above picture is of Jeb and I around one of the underwater statues at Chankanaab Park. Chanakanaab is a National Park in Cozumel, Mexico that has a gorgeous beach, scuba diving, snorkeling, water toys for rent, sea lion and dolphin shows, and beach restaurants and shops. 

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I was a little hesitant about diving because I am extremely claustrophobic. I do not like closed in spaces such as elevators or small rooms, and my anxiety about this has gotten much worse since LilliAnn was born. However, I knew that Kassidy, his three friends, and Jeb would be with me, and I also felt comfortable because I knew we weren't going on a very deep dive. The equipment is extremely heavy, and as I was walking from the dive shop down to the water, I almost talked myself out of going. I'm so glad that I kept walking into the water because this ended up being one of my favorite things of the entire trip!

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Since it had been five years and we didn't get very much instruction, I kind of felt lost when I first got into the water. Thankfully, Gilmer, our dive instructor, held my hand for the first couple of minutes until I got the hang of everything again. My ears started to pop and I remembered that I needed to equalize the pressure. I equalized, but apparently didn't equalize as often as I needed to, so unfortunately I got a bit of barotrauma to my right ear. There was pain and ringing in my ear for about two weeks after our trip, but thankfully it finally healed!

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After I was in the water, I wasn't thinking about my claustrophobia at all! There is so much to see in the ocean that you are in awe the entire dive! Here is a little sting ray that we spotted.

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The fish are everywhere and are just gorgeous! 

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The boys were quite the explorers! They would check out and touch every ocean wonder.

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Gilmer wanted us to get to do a bit of cave diving, so he took us in some small caves near the shore. I must admit, I got a little claustrophobic in the caves and had to come out once. I didn't much care for the cave diving. Because fresh water springs meet the warm salt water in the caves, it gets really blurry as you near the surface. The water in these places is extremely cold, so Gilmer kept trying to bring me back down to the ocean floor and closer to the caves so I would be able to see clearer and so the water would be warmer. 

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It's rare to spot a sea horse because they are so little! We found this little guy with his tail wrapped around a sea plant.

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Jeb is a fish! He LOVES LOVES LOVES the ocean and he LOVES scuba diving and snorkeling. He would stay in the ocean for hours upon hours! 

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I love all of the beautiful colors, like this purple piece of coral. Pictures just don't do it justice. In real life, everything under the ocean is so bright...it just glows!

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Kass would swim near the ocean floor and look for lobsters hiding in the holes of the coral. He found two of them! 

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Look at that amazing piece of brain coral!

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Scuba diving is something that everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime. It's like a whole new world under the ocean. It is so quiet, peaceful, and relaxing being able to float through the water and enjoy some of God's underwater creations!

Labor Day. 2012

Labor Day...always a good weekend. It marks the end of lake season and the beginning of fall. This year we had a nice, relaxing weekend with family and friends. Papa Glenn planned a fish fry, which is always means brown beans and cornbread, hush puppies, fried potatoes, and TONS of good desserts!

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Gam-Ma Missy came out to the lake and spent the day with us!

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This is Steven Eldredge. He's been a family friend since I was in high school, but we haven't seen much of him in the past several years. He recently got divorced and is "coming back to a theatre near you." This guy is such a blast and so entertaining...he will ALWAYS keep you laughing!

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Of course, my best friend Kari was there!

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Reid gives Labor Day Weekend a big thumbs up!

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We love when Kass comes home from college.

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Nana and her two boys!

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How beautiful is my Granny Carol?!

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swag.

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We never have a shortage of food at Cook Cove!

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The master fish fry man!

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How cute are these sweet cousin?! Josslynn, LilliAnn, & Emma

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It was Aunt Tammy's 50th birthday, so we had some birthday cake and a fruit pizza too!

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Another great weekend at the lake and a nice way to end our summer...

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Year to Year.

Disney on Ice: 2011 & 2012

To the moon & back.

LilliAnn hugs my chest tonight:
"I love your boobies so much to the moon and back."

It's been almost 3 months since we weaned and she's STILL obsessed.

A Trip to Tulsa.

A couple of weekends ago we went to Tulsa for Cash's 4th birthday party. Cash is the son of our friends from high school, Matt & Julie Rose. The party was at BounceU and Reid could not wait to get there! 

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Little sis was excited too!

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Lil's favorite thing was the big slide! She wanted to go down it over and over again!

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I love this sweet girl! And look...we're FINALLY getting some hair!

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Reid's favorite thing was hitting the air baseballs...of course!

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How cute was Cash's motorcycle birthday cake?!

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The BIG F*O*U*R!

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She is soooooo dramatic! I call her my drama queen.

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Cutie Patootie! This is her "CHEESE" face.

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Blair and LilliAnn are 10 months apart and as cute as can be!

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Sweet girls in their Matilda Jane outfits!

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LilliAnn looks identical to Jeb when he was this age!

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Blair and Lil had to wear the birthday crowns.

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Reid and Cash - Ages 1, 2, 3, & 4

They sure do grow up fast!

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We had a fantastic family day and we can't wait until our next trip to T-Town!